Manipulation may be hard to spot even to the trained eye. To you, when both of your eyes are trained to perceive reality in an entirely different light to what it actually is, it becomes nearly impossible. The main tell-tell sign that you are being manipulated is feeling a profound sense of unhappiness and high levels of worry, seemingly not matching the outer circumstances.
So how do you act and feel when you are chronically abused but have no idea?
Reactive.
Confused.
Bad about yourself.
Deeply ashamed.
Endlessly mulling over what has happened.
Self-reflecting.
Apologetic.
Keen to make mends by all means necessary.
Now go over the above again. Isn’t this the perfect scheme for manipulation?
Think about it. If I can get you upset by criticising or blaming you for something and make you think you are at fault, you will think you’re creating your own suffering and, as an extension, you are making others suffer too. A normal, healthy reaction to that version of reality is to feel guilty and ashamed, which leads to apologising for your behaviour and desiring to change. Voila!
How do you feel when someone is tampering with your sense of reality?
Weirdly disjointed. Even though on paper things look as they should you feel a strange disconnect internally which fills you with ever expanding tension and distress. You may fuss and worry about most things, anxious not to get them wrong. You know something isn’t right but cannot put your finger on it - a major red light signalling cleverly hidden abuse. You can feel your stomach tighten in your partner's presence so you ‘behave’ afraid to anger him. Like the dagger hanging over your head you anticipate danger any time he may be displeased with something you haven’t thought about. As a matter of fact, you do a lot of thinking in attempt to maintain a pace few steps ahead of him to feel safer.
But never truly safe...
You learned times and times again that escaping his wrath unscathed is a futility only deepening your profound sense of despair. When you notice the first hint of his annoyance you know you will be punished because it is your fault for not getting things right. It is always your fault. It must be when he says so as forcefully, right? He surely argues his point so convincingly. The confusion resulting from a confrontation with him wraps you into a straight jacket of emotional overwhelm making it impossible to think clearly. You freeze under the avalanche of guilt, cave under the weight of shame into submission.
‘He was right all along - there IS something wrong with me! God I am SO sorry!!!’
The oblivion of the Bad You is bottomless…
‘It was so unfair of me! I am such a terrible human - you were innocent all along. Let me fix it, let me make it up to you. Please!’
If only can he convince you - the conscientious, empathic individual - that you are bad he can play you like a fiddle. How many times does he remind you of your mistakes and brings up your past transgressions?
Whenever he pleases he presses the buttons he so keenly grows. With the number of conflicts arising from his critique of you the possibilities for putting in your place are literally endless.
‘But is he really a bad person? Shouldn’t I give him the benefit of the doubt? He is sometimes nice to me, treats the kids with stuff they like and is protective of them. We do have good times, in fact when they are good they are great! There are worse guys out there - they are physically violent, they rape women, even murder them! After all the world is a scary place, I feel kind of safer having him in my corner because he always fights for what is his…’
Is this why he so often starts fights? To take from the giver that you are who doesn’t threaten him but stands loyally by his side?
When you are acutely confused, locked in a vicious cycle of not perceiving reality correctly, you are bound to keep coming back to yourself as the bad girl. His blame and criticism serves a single purpose: To deflect the badness away from the one who creates it. Because as long as you are confused your critical thinking is disabled with your guilty conscience enabled and directed towards you.
Now listen please.
Someone being critical repeatedly, particularly about little things is an ominous sign. Your loved one blaming you repeatedly with no effort to take accountability and solve problems falls under the same category: Chronic abuse with the intention to get you down and keep you there.
‘Why?’ you may ask. 'Why would someone who does nice things for me choose to make me suffer?'
Some people are cruel you know. Just because they can be extremely nice sometimes doesn't mean they have zero proclivity for causing harm. They may enjoy punishing others and do lovely things only to damage control after an ugly fight when their sense of control over you is at stake. Is it hard to believe they are sometimes being good because they want to feel good about themselves? Does it seem far fetched they treat you to elevate your life to build the picture of who they want you to believe they are? Besides, the higher they seemingly hold you in their regard the faster and more painful your potential fall. They simply enjoy your injury because it makes them feel powerful.
Therefore.
An innocent child like look in his eyes or a repeated apology cannot be the testament of his character. Neither should an exclusive gift mean he is exclusive to you. Kindness becomes a very effective tool when used in desperate times. Read on trauma bond here.
Women are socialised to be accommodating, to trust men until proven otherwise. Not the other way around which makes way more sense! And even when the proof is right in front of their eyes they are told to give him the benefit of the doubt, to be patient and understanding. Many women give more chances at the expense of their sanity or life. Where is the fairness in that?
What about extending the trust, patience, and understanding to yourself?
What if you laid aside your trepidation and felt the answers resting in your body? Remember your gut - your second brain? The part you had to ignore and suppress to survive in a space filled with ever present doubt? To gain clarity, however, you mustn’t be afraid to step outside the strangely sedating mist which currently engulfs you. It is the comfort of your discomfort you are so familiar with but need to separate from. I know there is a lot to hold onto. Just don’t hang onto it for dear life to make yours suffer.
When you are focused on hunting for a confirmation of the goodness in him you will miss his badness all together. You will not see what he doesn’t want you to notice.
Now honestly.
Do you find yourself feeling anxious around him?
Are you more relaxed when he is not in the house or around your children?
Does he tend to get his way which makes you scared of him when he gets annoyed?
Do you think it is normal to fear your protector?
Is it healthy needing to constantly worry about what your beloved thinks?
Should you be scared of opposing someone who cares about you?
Why do you think you value harmony in a relationship and try hard to maintain it?
What makes you think he would always had your back and put your interest above his own?
What evidence do you have where he has selflessly shown an interest in you, or supported you without also benefiting himself?
How many times?
How many times has he disappointed and betrayed you?
How many times he hasn’t stood by his words and promises?
How many times has he put his comfort ahead of yours?
How many times has he done something deeply hurtful without being truly remorseful?
How many times has he repeated his behaviour after apologising or promising to change?
The above are questions critical to regaining some clarity. Don’t betray yourself for the love he dangles in front of you. Love present under specific circumstances isn't love but control. Understandably you prefer not believing he has a bad bone in his body, yet your bones have always known the truth. He has coaxed you into NOT trusting yourself for you to depend on him, so in order to release yourself from the grip of the warped reality this is exactly what you mustn’t follow. Trust you, not him! Why shouldn’t you? Afford yourself the same luxury you afforded him all this time and gift the benefit of the doubt to yourself. You deserve to rest in knowing you are not the cause of his abuse but an excuse for shamelessly ploughing through with his appalling, shameful behaviour.
Learn more about the identities of victims and perpetrators who entrap them. Find out if you are dealing with a difficult person.
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Copyright © 2024 Michaela Patel
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