NAVIGATING CO-PARENTING AFTER LEAVING AN ABUSER-MANIPULATOR FROM A VICTIM PARENT'S PERSPECTIVE - PART 2

The importance of cooperation and collaboration when creating a successful parenting plan.

co-parenting with an abuser-manipulator 2.m4a.zip

Download ZIP • 2.54MB

What makes co-parenting with an abuser true hell is their entitlement to your time, resources, and head space. You aren't free to have opinions, nor to exercise your basic rights as a parent and human being.

Being in contact with someone you constantly owe answers to when they live far away is insanely triggering. Your whole body feels under attack whenever you hear a text or email pinging. Having practiced pushing my buttons for years, my abuser had the power to send me down some deep rabbit holes for days. One minute I felt amazing playing with my son, and the next I was a total emotional wreck, scared he can destroy me financially, anxious he could take away my only joy.

I knew nothing about my rights back then, nor I understood I need to protect myself and how.

In my early years of co-parenting with him I pretty much went along with what he proposed. I was happy not to rock the boat too much, glad to escape his wrath. Back then, I knew nothing about coercive control. Besides, my tortured nervous system wasn't strong enough to cope with his push back. I was winging it in a desperate attempt to save our friendship for the sake of our son. In my naivety I imagined us living parallel lives with no resentment. I envisioned us attending improtant events together for our son, side by side like two grown ups whos top priority was the wellbeing of their child. At the time I didn't understand how profoundly immature, sadistic, and vindictive my ex truly was.

Today, I feel it was for the better, as not seeing things clearly allowed me to focus on other things and harbour little resentment towards him, our son would have otherwise felt pouring out from me. Attempting to patiently explain how are his actions affecting our son kept me sane. I was hoping one day I can make his father understand and he will stop being so angry.

Luckily for me, my inherently positive traits, he so insidiously exploited, have walked me through the fire of initiation into co-parenting with someone with an insatiable need to punish me.

My abuser seemed like a good dad. He made our son laugh a lot. He looked after him sometimes, fed and clothed him. It wasn't until his early school years I started to notice unsettling behaviour in our son whenever he spend few days with his father. He was very angry coming back, easily frustrated, addressing me with a demanding tone which was very triggering to me. Now I know this was because of the emotional abuse he had experienced whilst with his father who punished him for things outside of his control. Amongst other things, he developped a nail biting habit as a result of being around toxicity which he was then shamed and chastised for at a very young age.

When he was a toddler my son was a happy, carefree child, very confident and always full of joyous energy. He was really straightforward, easily entertained, never really cared for stuff, always happy to share his toys. Things changed since I allowed more time spent in his father's company. On one hand he gets spoiled by his father buying him latest expensive gadgets. On the other hand he isn't allowed to be free to be himself. Increasingly, I see my son changing. I see how materialistic, insecure about his body, demanding and argumentative he is becoming. I notice the same traits to those of his father: The 'I should have been consulted!' entitlement, the 'I am doing what I want' self-centredness, the 'Dah!' put downs and unnecessary sarcastic remarks, the 'I know better than you' smirks on his face, the cheating and the delight in successfully getting his way. I worry this isn't just a phase he can grow out of. Yet, if I try to educate him or confront him about these truths, he will attack me because of his increased sensitivity to critique. Being constantly asked to do more at his father's territory, he never really feels good enough about himself (amongst other things). The stuff his father told him about me, he lets out only when he infuriates him, is the reason why he used to forever ask me 'Mum do you hate dad?'. He felt the repulsion and seething energy from him at every handover as much as I did, but I used to assure him that I don't hate his dad. What for? I taught him how holding onto anger for too long destroys one's joy.

At those times I was still blissfully unaware of the term post separation abuse, unaware how big of a target I carry on my back because I 'broke the family'.

Lately, getting into conflict with my son is very much a balancing act. Because an unpleasant disgareement easily confirms his bias against me pushed onto him by his father, who at every opportunity seeks revenge by eroding our gentle bond. I have to be very careful not to enable these 'truths' about me to play out. He has been told I am 'always saying stuff against his dad' (a come back of his father when I had provided my son with tools to manage my ex). First my ex used to attack our son as a result of him having these tools, saying 'Did mum tell you that!?' With enough repetitions he came to believe many of these 'truths' about me (I am controlling, abusive, crazy, lazy, essentially that there is something wrong with me). The number of times my son complains about his father's maltreatment to me makes it really difficult not to tell him the truth. My protective nature and understanding abusive behaviours kicks in whenever I see him shattered by his father's unfair out of the blue criticism and false accusations. It is the only time my son welcomes my contribution to resolving a situation I know all too well: Being drawn into conflict his father needs to create to get others down - as low as he himself feels whenever he is diluting his dark, convoluted emotional energies in alcohol.

At other times, I see my son's clarity of thought and wisdom beyond his years, bringing a level of maturity to the table well beyond of that of his father. Those times fill me with pride and hope that perhaps one day he will want to understand things to the same depth I do. I hope for him not to get lost in his Ego (the combative, blame shifting persona rewarded in the other household and amongst his peers). I try so hard to preserve his touch with his strong intuition and joyous, carefree, authentic self. In an attempt to free him from the expectations of others, I remind him that although he came of us, he is unlike anyone else. My only expectations of him is to be kind and considerate - no easy task when half his time awake he sees the opposite of that.

You may be keen to teach your children, but there is a very fine line between gifting them your hard earned knowledge for them to not feel like you are lecturing them. Particularly because coercively controlling COUNTER-PARENT has undermined your intelligence and mocks your opinions at every opportunity. Also because they are the masters of pinning others into a corner (physically and emotionally) to force their agenda onto them with the aim to gain the upper hand and be right. Their insatiable need for dominance will show in any areas of your child's life they know you care about:

1. Choosing which school or nursery they want them to attend.

2. Choosing which extracurricular activities they should do.

3. Deciding how much they should read in their spare time and enforce it through the children's mobile phone even though they aren't in their care.

4. Deciding if they should have tutoring.

5. Deciding how much will you need to contribute to all of the above amongst other things.

They will even take the courtesy of booking activities and parties for your child on your time without having the decency to discuss like an adult A/ if you can afford it (which is financial abuse by proxy by the way) and B/ if you are available to drop/pick up (forcing you to drop everything to drive 20 miles after they have moved away).

Our son was put in the middle of every dispute when his father couldn't get his way through me (which is an emotional manipulation, albeit abuse, of me and our child). His cooperation was (and still is) non-existent, and so is his ability to put our son's wellbeing first. Yet, he has threated me with reporting me to the police and socical services, accusing me of being controlling, telling the professionals I prevent our son's education.

Coercive controllers, aka narcissistic abusers, are simply disinterested in your life beyond that of you being their supply. They expect you to keep serving them long after you have left, so don't expect things to improve. Things will most reliably worsen once you boundary up to keep their mess as far away from you as you possibly can.

Cooperation with you, for the child's sake, is the last things your abusive ex desires to do. He wants to rule your life for the time that you have left on this planet. He will continue to evade your peace, dismiss and invalidate your parenting frantically pressing the buttons of your greatest insecurities, and treat you like his possession. After all, you were put on this Earth for his personal mis-use. You birth him your children whom he is unashamed to use as tools for achieving his goals: To look good, to acquire wealth, to call the shots and destroy anybody who stands in his way, if only by smearing their reputation. He cannot put the needs of someone else above his own, even if he looks like a devoted, involved parent to the public and at your hourly meetings with professionals.

The long term repercussions of co-parenting with a controlling partner.

For myself, I can say that through all the post separation abuse and challenges of co-parenting with an abuser-manipulator, I have not regretted my decision to leave for a single minute. I thank my intuition for saving me. Every day, I grow stronger in my values and convictions about who I am. Networking with community of victims with similar experiences fills me with hope to see so many people with shattered lives picking themself up, pushing through decades of deadly knockouts, and rising stronger to un-brainwash the many others who are in desperate need of clarity. It is truly inspiring to hear grown up children speaking up about their abusive parent with such wisdom and clarity. I sincerely hope that one day my son can join them.

Thank you for reading. If my article contributed to understanding yourself, please be generous and share it with others.

Copyright © 2025 Michaela Patel