A very good friend of mine had asked me: 'So how did you find true happiness?'
I decided to dive deep under the surface of my consciousness to talk about this very sought after topic. My answer spans across three detailed posts which may not sound like anything you read before, nor expected, but I guess that is why you are still looking for answers.
To understand basics about happiness and how to practice feeling happy RIGHT NOW please refer to my previous articles here and here.
So what made me happy?
Paradoxically, my journey started the moment I admitted to myself I WASN'T happy at all.
Which wasn't easy, nevertheless crucial. I tried to understand WHY is it so hard for us to ADMIT the truth to ourselves, and came to a realisation that it is because:
A/ we honestly don't have a clue about how true happiness looks like and B/ we learned to FAKE things in life and happiness is just one of many.
Know that to kickstart your happiness you only need honesty and courage to to face the lies you've accumulated so far. The lies about you, about love and relationships, and your illusions/assuptions about life in general.
It sounds simple. Yet accepting we may have gone wrong somewhere kind of hurts, doesn't it?
This is why we subconsciously avoid the truth. Because really, who wants to feel their pain...?
No, I didn't think you would, but have you ever asked yourself what is the reason for your pain?
Me telling you right now that the reason for your pain is BELIEVING IN YOUR OWN INADEQUACY, you will probably dismiss it straight away, because thinking of yourself as 'not good enough' can be extremely painful. Which is exactly why we became extremely good at hiding it.
No pain, no gain...
My pain was my healing ticket. Yet it was something I was avoiding and resisting to go through time and time again as are the many unhappy people out there.
To heal your Achilles heel, and grow into a happier you, you only need to realise that what you believe about you is false.
You must be able to look at your life without being scared to feel MOMENTARILY WEAK or WRONG. Without the fear of feeling UNWORTHY and BAD about yourself.
Don't allow your past mistakes to define you or shape your future! You are not who you think you are, and you are definitely NOT your mistakes! SURRENDER to your fear of feeling like a FAILURE for a while. Until you re-define failing as a necessary tool for realising what you definitely DON'T WANT in your life, and who you most certainly don't want to be.
A string of failed relationships is where it all ended, and started for me, as I was forced to look at the pattern of my own actions...
We so often repeat the same mistakes over and over, yet we fail to notice them. And the only reason we don't, is because we don't like to feel that there is anything the matter with US.
We just don't want to see it, do we? 'It is them! We are fine!' we say, even though we are far from it. We don't want to feel defeated and temporarily miserable about ourselves, and because of that we fail to ask ourselves the first important question: 'WHY have I found myself AGAIN in a similar place?'
Many of us go that far. We asked ourselves this question but our mind quickly refused to accept any responsibility, focusing on the other. Unfortunatelly, by shifting all responsibility onto others we fobbed ourselves off because we did't come to ask the second important question: 'WHY ME? What have I done to get me here?'
Yes we may have been abused by our partners. But what have WE done for that to get to it ?
You may feel betrayed right now, thinking that abuse is a horrible thing and that you certainly 'couldn't do nothing' to help yourself. Yep, that is your little victim speaking. S/he is the one who is keeping you locked in your current place! Don't listen to it for once if you are serious about moving away from your current situation. Instead, ask yourself AUTHENTICALLY:
1/ Why have I allowed it?
I had abusive, controlling, critical parents who shaped me into an unworthy individual who didn't trust in her greatness. I believed that how others treat me is what I deserve. Even though consciously I was disagreeing with their actions, feeling hurt. I failed to see other's abuse because I (only I!) have idealised all my partners, including my parents, to find the love and care I felt I didn't receive as a child. I abused myself too - with self-rejection, believing in my own inadequacy.
'I am not good enough to be with someone who treats me better' - just how many times have you said that to yourself?
2/ Why did I want to be with him/her? What attracted me to him/her?
My insecurities, the missing parts of me, have manifested as my unhealthy needs, which I desired to complete through others. Fearing loneliness and abandonment I run away from me because 'Who would want to be with someone like me?', and into others who too weren't listening to their inner cries, unaware that they find it hard to accept themselves in totality and without conditions.
3/ Did I truly love him/her?
I confused true love with attraction. Also, I confused love with pain. Not understanding my self-rejection, I failed to love myself, hence couldn't have known how true love shows up and feels.
When you start to understand how YOU work, and that some of your parts are missing or BROKEN, you finally get that if you don't fix those, you will seek the same people, allow the same abuse, and end up even more broken it the course of time.
'But where do I START?' was my third logical question.
Continue to part 2
Thank you for reading. If my article contributed to understanding yourself, please be generous and share it with others.
Copyright © 2017 Michaela Patel