Our carers were the creators (and destroyers, surprise-surprise!) of our boundaries, of what we allow and what we absolutely don't. For this reason alone claiming our teritory back from them is much harder than setting our boudaries with those we meet the first time around.
Ironically we find it hard, even weird, to lay down intial rules by expressing our wants and needs with our new friends and partners. We believe that if we express our dislike with someone new, they are bound to dislike us back. We don't realise that PRETENDING to be someone we are not, we don't cheat only them, but also ourselves by attracting those who like the role we play. Instead of attracting the right people we could feel totally ourselves with and relaxed around. We stitch ourselves up right at the start of a new relationship...
Our unhealthy need to be liked provides us with a false sense of VALUE:
'S/he likes me = I am enough, worthy'. We feel good, having succesfully escaped their rejection, but the price for self-betrayal is high and our contentment temporary...
Due to our need for validation, we need to prove ourselves to others by consenting to activities, opinions, and behaviours we really don't agree with deep down.
Cheating ourselves and others, our self-loathing and RESENTMENT mounts. Wanting to contribute to peace on the outside we engage in an inner war with ourselves. Of which ANGER is the main symptom. We are angry at them for their malreatment, and at ourselves for our own mistreatment as our boundaries get crushed repeatedly with our consent.
Anger can be very DESTRUCTIVE if incorrectly channelled on the outside, or inward. The energy of anger is really needed for us to channel it towards our boundary RESTORATION - to claim our peace back. But we either lose it with others, destroying our relationships, respect, and dignity OR we lose the love for ourselves, destroying our sense of value, disrespecting the person that we are. We don't use our anger for its inteded purpose - to repair our damaged boundary by asking ourselves this question: 'What needs to change for me to feel better, safer, more peaceful?'
All that our anger is telling us is that our boundary has been crossed. We get angry when we feel threatened, when we fear something, be it real or imagined...
As soon as you notice your frustration rising (try to catch yourself before your blood is already boiling!) press a PAUSE button. Create a mental or physical space around yourself to gain time in order to cool down. Acting on heated moment has never made anyone feel safe. It is on fact very rare that arisen situation needs you to truly fight or flight. Remembering this will make you feel instantly safer and help you to calm down.
Read further on how to protect your boundaries and reach agreements in part 2.
Thank you for reading. If my article contributed to understanding yourself, please be generous and share it with others.
Copyright © 2017 Michaela Patel