'Nice' because you want to be liked, OR because it reflects who you truly are and how you deep down feel about yourself?
Nice because you want to please, or nice because it pleases you?
It seems as though both are alike because the results are identical, however...
...there is a fundamental difference in one's INTENTIONS and EXPECTATIONS.
The GIVER, whos giving is driven by wanting to please, NEEDS something in return.
Be it attention, feelings of adoration, acceptance or recognition. It is a TAKER in disguise. His/her giving has strings attached which creates a web around the other as the taker holds them accountable for his/her unfulfilled expectations. Expectations which haven't been verbally expressed, needs which are often unrealised by neither of the people involved...
The hallmark of a toxic relationship is DRAMA arising from the lack of understading what true love is. It is a relationship where both of the partner's 'giving' is driven from the lack of understanding their UNFULLFILLED CHILDHOOD NEEDS, hence their inability to communicate their true desires.
The taker is bound to feel like a victim, cheated and disappointed, calling the other 'ungrateful'...
Where has those unexpressed expectations come from?
From a place of LACK within. We seek what we don't have, yet blame the other for our emptiness...
We want to be loved (because we deep down feel unloveable), so we please others just to be liked.
We are nice to them to extract their ATTENTION AND APPROVAL in the same way we have attempted to extract love and acceptance from our parents when our basic needs weren't met.
We often idealise our partner like we did with our parents because to accept their flaws was too painful. We fall head over heals for our illusion of them. Their approval then feels like a shot of a drug to a starving addict. Seeking acceptance is never ending as the more love we extract from them the further we separate ourselves from realising and healing our belief of inadequacy and unloveability. In the same way constant supply of drug is preventing an addict from his/her recovery...
When OUR illusion disappears we are left with the reality, blaming THEM. Instead of blaming ourselves for going empty handed, asking for love from those who were also empty handed. We often rage at them feeling cheated, blaming our pain on love saying 'Love hurts'.
What hurts are the feelings of DISAPPOINTMENT over our unfulfilled expectations, and the SADNESS over our unmanifested dreams.
We say things like 'S/he broke my heart.' , when what really broke was a bubble of illusion WE created.
We fail to see that our pain is in direct proportion to our own lies. Lies about ourselves and others. Beliefs about our inadequacy, but also about how 'nice' we were to them. Because if we had given FREELY, without hidden intentions, we wouldn't be the ones who are left to suffer...
Have you ever done something for someone who could never repay you back?
Like letting people pass ahead of you in the supermarket, helping a person with a bag, cheering up a total stranger? I am sure you've experienced a random act of kindness yourself, done with pure intention - to GIVE...
Thank you for reading. If my article contributed to understanding yourself, please be generous and share it with others.
Copyright © 2017 Michaela Patel