What kind of space opens up for you when you come to communicate your wants and needs to your partner?
Expressing ourselves isn't always easy as the clarity of our thoughts and feelings on the subject largely depends on knowing ourselves well. The CLARITY with which we express ourselves depends on two things:
1/ How much awareness and insight we have into our insecurities.
Are we aware what drives us, our reactions, our wants and needs? In other words, how authentic are we with ourselves.
2/ How able we are to express those without fear. In other words, how authentic we are with others.
When we suffer from acceptance issues due to our upbringing, we will find it hard to express exactly what we want, as from experience we are worried it won't be welcomed.
We grew up in an overbearing, often controlling environment, where our needs (physical or emotional) were ignored. We therefore find ourselves catering to other people's wishes, neglecting our own, FEARING REJECTION and the failure of our relationship.
We make ourselves responsible for how others feel, not listening to ourselves. Our happiness then becomes dependant on how well we manage to make others happy. This form of self-denial is the fastest route to self-hatred, depression, and complete dissatisfaction, feeling like we are living the life others, rather than our own. Feeling powerless over our choices we feel trapped inside such affair. In an attemp to find freedom we fall into the trap of multiple affairs with others, which offers only a temporary escape.
It is important to explore your unhealthy needs and heal your acceptance issues, not to feel trapped in your own self-created prison.
Without fearing rejection and abandonment on the other hand, we can openly and honestly stand our ground. Without feeling guilty we ask for what we need because we know we are worth it. Without a shadow of doubt we know we deserve their love, attention and care. Our needs are as important as theirs. We are able to LISTEN in the face of their objections and critique, instead of shutting down, manipulating our way out by contra-criticism, bringing up old/unrelated issues, or any other ways of putting our partner down as a punishment for 'making us feel bad'. By us having a clear understanding how this insecurity (of NOT feeling ENOUGH for others to love us) affects the way we perceive criticism, we are less likely to take their comments personally.
The way we are able to express ourselves opens up a certain type of dialogue. We create a space which is either hostile, even threatening, or a space which is inviting and healing.
If our verbal expression is accusative, shaming, judgemental in nature, the created space surrounded by walls of mutual resentment becomes a battlefield of 'right and wrong'. Leading to us both becoming the victims of our own unresolved insecurities with no way out, feeling mutually betrayed. Our fears of being accepted are the weapons which take us down many times as every unresolved conflict leaves a trace of resentment soiling the sense of our contentment. With each lost battle our VICTIM gains more power. Suffocating our love, our resentment towards them grows proportionate to the resentment towards ourselves. Killing our loveability and sense of worth, the feelings of deep unhappiness and powerlessnes set in. As our discontentment grows, we look for ways to DISCHARGE its negative energy through them, behaving in distractive and/or destructive ways ending in drama. Directing this destructive force against ourselves, we fall into self-destructive patterns.
We get further disconnected from ourselves and certainly from them, feeling deeply unworthy and futher WOUNDED...
If, however, the space created is non-judgmental and communication assertive, respectful, empathic, the perfect conditions for an open dialogue are created.
In a 'win-win' space authenticity thrives, allowing partners to be vulnerable with each other. A precious, HEALING space where vulnerability of another are nurtured with love and compassion, breeding acceptance.
It is our nature to care for the weaknesses of those we love dearly, ultimately taking our connection to a new, deeper level. A new level of understanding is then established where we feel closer to one another. We value their honesty, openness and courage to let us in, feeling privelaged to share this beautiful space with them.
Thank you for reading. If my article contributed to understanding yourself, please be generous and share it with others.
Copyright © 2016 Michaela Patel