I was by his side to make him happy.
It was a self-imposed task my happiness depended on. I have voluntarily handed the permission to feel good about myself into his hands. His moods, his stress, his daily frustrations, were also mine. I left my previous relationship in an attempt to free myself from misery, only voluntarily jumped into yet another relationship which was very much alike. He also needed my encouragement, my support. He need me to feel better about himself, about his past and future.
I felt I had a purpose in life as he depended on me...
DON'T be with someone who needs you to feel better about him/herself. Don't date someone you want to change, FIX. If you want to change something about them it means you don't accept them the way they are. Loving them under these conditions means you love the idea of who they could become. You love their potential. A future projection which currently doesn't exist, living an ILLUSION of happiness, engaging in a never ending chase for peace.
Them being miserable, needy and dependant, means they have issues which need to be dealt with. You are not that person! It has to be them.
By making them feel better you will not help them but yourself - you make yourself feel better about YOU. Feeling useful to them, worthy.
If they cannot care for themselves with love, if they refuse to attend to their issues, how are they going to attend to you? They can pretend they care and love you, however their love is very much CONDITIONAL - depending on how you make them feel. It doesn't come from a healthy place.
Someone who is angry, grumpy, frustrated with his/her life hasn't got the hang of it yet. S/he does know how to survive perhaps, but does not know how to truly live. S/he is fundamentally unhappy looking for a distraction. And you are one of many of their distractions. One of many ways to escape from their irritable Self. They don't know how to deal with their problems yet, emotionally disconnected from their unhappiness and anxiety with smoking, drugs, sleeping pills, TV, sex and game addictions, alcohol, and other forms of escapism.
Escapism is a form of self-soothing. It is painful to FEEL, so they don't. And you, by soothing them, are their drug. They get jealous and possessive over you. They threaten you that should you ever leave they will die without you. They don't take NO for an answer, they pester you, or beg you.
You are stuck...
You really would do them a favour by leaving them, but you cannot. Not for yourself, not for them. This is the basis of a toxic relationship full of drama. The kind of relationship which hurts, but it also hurts to leave. In the end you choose what hurts less. Which on many occasions is to STAY. Because although it hurts, it is familiar...
We oftentimes choose PAIN over facing our fear. We rather suffer, instead of facing uncertainty.
Loneliness IS uncertainty. We never know just how we will cope. We have no idea for how long we will remain alone - a very scary thought! 'For just how long can I stay in my OWN company feeling worthless?' Our fear reliably fuels the worst possible outcomes. In our minds we replay the scenes of drama, horror and sci-fi combined. THEY are our drug too you know?? Anti-anxiety and painkiller... our MDMA... We are like two dealers, two addicts. Pretending to help the other, yet getting our shot too. We need them, they need us. We entered a relationship with them to numb the pain - theirs, and our own.
To get out of such relationship takes courage, and practicing self-love. But most importantly a self-preservation instinct. We come to know that the person who truly needs help is US.
Thank you for reading. If my article contributed to understanding yourself, please be generous and share it with others.
Copyright © 2016 Michaela Patel