On one sunny morning, their daughter was born...
After an initial excitement and when the novelty has worn off, their relationship deteriorated even further. Resentment on both sides has taken its toll on couple's relations.
His wife found herself in her new role as a mother, and got overly emotionally attached to their daughter. Her child was a source of much love, joy, and the care she was longing to give. Her daughter needed her. She felt worthy.
They drifted apart...
He continued to look for attention elsewhere as the family life, although something he deeply desired, scared him. His multiple affairs have provided him with the recognition and freedom his mother never gave him. He didn't have to create a deep meaningful relationships with those women, something he has never given to his wife either. He could NOT have been emotionally available, because the relationship with his mother wasn't such that he knew ( or learned ) how to be. He knew how to charm a woman, how to lure her in to get what HE needed. But he didn't know how to truly GIVE, how to surrender to another, how to give freely from his heart, how to be VULNERABLE. His' love' was very much dependant on getting what he needed - CONDITIONAL. His emotions were running shallow hence his relationships could be only superficial. He was incapable of deep, meaningful connections...
We expect others to love us deeply, to understand us and create a strong, long lasting connection, yet we are majorly emotionally disconnected from ourselves. It is like we say: 'I don't want to understand me, I don't care about MY feelings, but YOU should !'
How convenient...
He wasn't home much. His frequent business trips away, corporate dinners, and many evenings with other woman have taken up all his time. His daughter was growing up without him being around. He treated her the same way he treated her mother - with occasional expensive gifts and holidays to make up for his GUILT. He knew he cannot be the father she wanted, as much he knew he could not be the husband her mother desired.
His daughter, however, IDEALISED her father. Although he emotionally neglected her, and was never around to for her to feel worthy of his attention. She didn't know anything else but him being the way he WAS - even though he WASN'T really there for her. She thought that being with a man who is financially stable, who can provide for a family IS LOVE.
But how could he be there for her when he didn't get that from his own mother?
The kind of relationship we develop with an opposite sex parent ( our primary relationship ) very much determines what drives us to be in a relationship.
His daughter, although a fine lady, didn't feel that way. She liked to be treated well by men. She loved to be spoilt rotten. Because only then she felt loved...
Deep down however she was an insecure 'Daddy's girl' feeling pretty miserable about herself. No matter how expensive the gifts, on the inside she didn't feel she deserved them.
She loved men being attentive, and she soon found out the best way to get male attention. She took care of herself, she dressed very well, her body looked great.
She didn't like spending time on her own, constantly seeking the thrills of relationships with men. She needed to feel desired by them. Even though only physically, sexually desired, she felt LOVED. Male attention made her feel so good, WORTHY. Never mind those men only wanted to sleep with her. She attracted precisely those men who wanted no strings attached, who were NOT there for her when she truly needed. She got involved with men who were seeking to impress her. She fell for men who were seeking to feel good about themselves by getting her attention. Those, who were very much like her father. She idealised them too...
Inside, she was just a little girl wanted to be held, needing reassurance that they will never leave her. That they will be there in difficult times for her. She wanted to hear how much they love her. She wanted to feel safe. But none of these men could have ever given that to her because they were brought up by mothers who very much resembled her grandmother.
After many unsuccessful relationships, feeling very disappointed in life, and feeling like she can never find true love, she realised her pattern. The pattern of falling in love and getting hurt by men she thought truly loved and cared for her. She had a choice to make. To either continue endlessly seeking similar kind of emotionally unavailable men to whom she was still very much attracted to, OR to STOP. To stop, look back and question. Question all her previous relationships, and herself. Question who she is, what is she seeking, and why she isn't getting it. Questioning why she cannot imagine a happy life without a man by her side. Questioning her relationship with her father, re-connecting to that unhappy little girl inside - her pain. She decided that she didn't want to end up like her mother in a relationship which was only financially safe. She wanted emotional safety too. Her mother resigned to the relationship with her father and the way he treated her, but she refused.
She knew what she would sign up for: PRETENDING that everything is ok in front of the whole family, community, society, being deeply unhappy for the rest of her life. She knew how her mother suffered. She remembered at one point when she was a little girl she thought: 'Why is everyone so serious, so miserable all the time !?' Her Inner Child concluded she would rather never grow up than becoming what her parents have...
We all have our Inner child. The curious, joyous, carefree and creative part of us, which lives totally in the moment. The fearless Being we once were. This is who we are by nature.
Our child however got hurt growing up. We have learned what love is by watching our parent's relationships and having our unique relationships with them. We haven't always got what we needed from them. Those missing NEEDS become our WOUNDS we seek to heal in our adult relationships.
And it would work just fine if we haven't attracted similar people to those who caused our wounds. Oftentimes we do not know that what we are seeking isn't true love because we just haven't seen any different. If we were brought up in multiple families we could compare. So the only way we can tell there is something not quite right with our perception of love is how fulfilled we feel in our relationships. It all comes down our Inner child who will remain unhappy even though the conditions for what we deem to be 'love' are fulfilled. Our Inner Child will throw a tantrum and drama ensures.
What we believe love IS becomes a CONCEPT we follow. No amount of things we have, no amount of financial security on the outside, is going fulfil the needs of our Inner child which deep down feels insecure and neglected !
The good news is that we can become our own parents. Yes you hear me right. We are capable to fulfil all those needs ourselves. We know full well what our Inner child desires. we know what hurts her/him and how s/he feels.
I mean WHO ELSE is meant to know if WE don't? Who's responsibility it is to give our Inner child attention, care and love? Who else is going to make her/him feel worthy?
We all have a choice. And once we know that, we know there is no one else responsible for our happiness. YOU are the responsible parent of your Inner child. Know that if you choose to abandon her/him, pretending you don't hear her/his cries, others will abandon you too. Because if you choose to emotionally neglect yourself you will continue to attract people into your life who are emotionally unavailable, neglecting themselves.
If we cannot create a deep, meaningful and loving relationship with ourselves, we won't ever find that in another. Aware, or not aware, we always choose. And what we choose to send out into the Universe always comes back to us. If we bring pain into a relationship, we get pain back.
Being mature, wise adults, our RESPONSIBILITY is to heal and break the cycle of otherwise endless pain - the cycle of karma.
Thank you for reading. If my article contributed to understanding yourself, please be generous and share it with others.
Copyright © 2016 Michaela Patel