Karma isn’t some religious concept but a very REAL occurrence altering our daily lives.
I like to demonstrate how karma works on a story based on true events which will hopefully make you see how SIMPLE this phenomenon really is. I would like to clarify how a lack of understanding ourselves brings chaos and pain into our lives and the lives of our next generations.
My story is about a controlling mother, the relationship she had with her son, and the challenges her granddaughter was facing when finding true love. If you had a controlling parent, if you feel that s/he wasn't there for you the way you needed her/him, you may find yourself in the story. Hopefully experiencing few AHA moments which will allow you to understand your family dynamics and their impact on your ability to create loving, meaningful relationships.
His mother was always RIGHT. She rarely apologised or acknowledged she made a mistake. She had an answer for everything and never truly listened to another but the Voice in her own head. Her reactions were very much driven by the questions and concerns SHE had. Her behaviour was a reaction to her incessant thinking she could not control. She suffered from a compulsion to control everything and everyone, particularly him. Her son was an easy target of her bossy behaviour. He became the slave of her mind as much as she did...
It is hard to feel empowered and peaceful if there is someone who has always something to say. Be it the voice of our own mind, or someone else's.
Being the self-entitled woman she was she was keenly advising him on what he 'should' do and how he 'should' feel. Instead of giving him space to feel who he truly was and what he was feeling. Space for him to see what makes him feel good and what does not. Space to coach himself on HIS life journey. She could not keep her mouth shut because she could not shut the voice inside her head. It commented on everything he did and didn't do, as much as on everything she did and didn't do. She was always JUDGING AND COMPARING against 'the better', against what she considered 'normal', against the golden image of a boy she wished she had...
No wonder he felt so miserable. He felt let down by her, sad and truly disappointed she was never happy with him. He always somehow fell short of the ideal in her mind. Her mind was the most cruel judge. No mater how much effort he put into things he could never win. She rarely smiled and he felt like he could never make her happy. He tried and tried but there was always something missing. Something he could have done 'better, different or faster'. She often said he 'could have tried harder', and instead of noticing what he has done, she noticed what he HASN'T. He felt like a failure...
But he was just a child! How could have he known that his mother was possessed? He didn't know she was obsessed with thoughts of being in control of who HE was because she herself had a very poor understanding of who SHE was.
He loved his mother dearly and all he ever wanted is to see her happy. He became the family joker. The only way he could make her smile was that he over-achieved, or when he said a silly joke. In time, he became very good at the latter. Making her laugh was his way of lightening her mood. It worked reliably and got him out of many sticky situations. His relationship with his mother was a complex one. He loved her deep down, yet loathed her hunger for control which left him feeling powerless. He learned how to COMPENSATE for the lack of control he had over his own life and choices; He mastered deceiving her. He knew how to make her laugh when she got angry at him, and he hasn't changed his ways even though he grew up into a man. It was as though she didn't want him to grow up. When she spoke to him with disrespect and demeanour he felt like a little boy again. He became very good at LYING to keep her happy. He knew how and when to please her with gifts and affection. He knew how to treat a woman...
He channeled all of his energy towards getting to know others, and became very skilled at reading people's reactions. Life became a game of chess. He needed to be one step ahead of others to be liked and ACCEPTED by them. He wanted to be the PERFECT son, man, and later a husband.
When we live to please others, we say 'You are more important than me, I don't love myself as much as I love you.' We become servants of another's happiness, neglecting ourselves on many levels. We don't like to FEEL because feelings are our own and they don't lie. When living for others, at some point, we have to stop listening to ourselves - we have no choice. We either stay true to how we feel, or we cater to the happiness of others.
He forgot who he was and what makes HIM happy because all he lived for was making others happy. How they felt around him very much reflected who he was. He saw his VALUE in how others reacted - with pleasure or displeasure, with love or with pain. It made him feel either good, successful, worthy... or bad - a failure...
He craved attention. His mother was there for him yes, but not the way he needed her. She supported him and given him attention only the way she deemed useful TO HER. He craved to be the centre of attention all his life. His jokes at parties, his immaculate and smart dress sense, his work achievements, his shiny car, the way he came across when meeting new people was an attempt to be seen, recognised. He wanted to appear interesting and clever enough to be noticed. 'Everything must be just perfect' he thought to himself. As much as his mother was a slave of her thoughts, he became the slave of his. His battle to win the hearts of others was ON!
When we seek love and recognition in others, we say: 'I am not worthy, I am not loveable, but please love me! I will do whatever YOUR heart desires to keep YOU happy!'. This is our POVERTY. We go with an empty heart begging others for what they can give us. We want to be loved, offering nothing in return. We offer our lies and pretending, in exchange for true love...
How do you think the relationship with your parents changed the way you see yourself?
Thank you for reading. If my article contributed to understanding yourself, please be generous and share it with others.
Copyright © 2016 Michaela Patel