We love to communicate through on-line social media when searching for new relationships.
We prefer chatting to multiple people from our COMFORT ZONES. Us feeling comfortable however
isn't just because we are comfortably sat on our sofa...
True reason behind our 'comfort' is that our own company allows us to be more of our true Selves, more of who we truly are. We are more relaxed, don't have to act nor pretend to be someone else in a virtual company of others. We don't have to dress to impress nor pretend that what they said was appropriate, funny, or smart. We tend to be braver in how we express ourselves, not having to act our way through situations to be liked because we aren't directly exposed to others reactions.
When in direct contact, we (more or less) have to ADJUST our behaviour to suit particular person or situation. We usually put on various personalities with various people throughout the day. They fluctuate, from being quite close to our relaxed Self, to showing a very different version of our true Self. It requires physical and mental effort, at times a LOT of our energy, to pull some of our performances off!
The more uneasy we feel in a situation and about ourselves [the more insecure we are], the more energy is needed to fuel our pretending.
Most of us pretend daily, and ALL of us have done it in the past.
The more insecure we are, the more unsure we are about who we are. The less we know who we are, the more we are unsure about our value, but also our opinions, decisions, etc.
The less confidence we have in ourselves, the more it costs us in another's company.
But it isn't just a pretty tiring business to keep our act going...
Our inauthenticity works AGAINST US two ways:
1/ we pretend to be someone we are not, setting ourselves up as we attract similar people into our life doing similar things - presenting themselves in similar ways - also inauthentic, also insecure.
2/ others respond to the lies we put out there by creating more lies, and our relationship with them is formed on pretty illusionary and shaky grounds.
We do this to be accepted, respected, liked, to avoid potential disagreement, conflict, emotional pain of rejection by another. Paradoxically, we attract more of what we like to avoid. This is how The Law of Attraction and Karma work.
Do you understand how you attract that you ARE?
Socialising on-line has got its pros and cons. Clear advantages are that we can connect to anyone in the world pretty fast, we can hold multiple conversations with people across the globe from our bedroom, we can be more of who we are in our own company, and that we feel safe, largely undisturbed by the vibes and energies of another.
The major disadvantage however, is that we can become a victim of a deceit. Or we can totally misunderstand the meaning of a conversation because we are missing on vital cues of a non-verbal communication, like subtle facial expressions, body language, tone of voice, overall energy of a person, smells, etc. This accounting to a whooping 93% of overall cues, and that is a lot to miss!
It is therefore important to recognise the DEFICIT of on-line communication. If we are choosing a life partner, business partner, anyone with whom we are planning on having more intimate connection, anyone who's AUTHENTICITY is of utmost importance, we must choose a direct contact to give ourselves the best chance of evaluating their genuinity.
When socialising in the traditional sense through direct contact, we prefer company of people around whom we can be largely ourselves. Such company doesn't make us feel depleted, but we rather refresh and recharge.
Are people in your friends/family circle leaving you tired, drained? Do you feel you have to pretend in front of certain folks to keep peace?
Do you think some of your acquaintances would not want to spend time with you if they knew you properly?
See even if you have such people in your life (we all do), by not being truthful to yourself, by not acknowledging how they make you feel and what you think of their behaviour, you are cheating yourself (and them too).
We CHEAT OURSELVES because we falsely believe that if we were more of who we truly are, others would not accept us. We believe that they would do/say certain things, that they would reject us. But those are largely our assumptions! By pretending, we DON'T give ourselves chance to be comfortable, confident in ourselves, and relaxed. We don't give others chance to see the real us, the confident and content us. But also the VULNERABLE us. Now you say 'What? Why would I want to be vulnerable in front of others!? I don't want to look weak?!'
I say this to you: 'Your Ego assumes how will their Ego react. But others don't act solely from their Ego. By acting from our heart, from who we truly are, we 'touch' the heart of others. It ALWAYS happens, even though they might not admit it.You see, accepting our weaknesses and facing our demons is an act of bravery which others secretly admire. The truth is others will admire us for being ourselves without pretending.'
By pretending to be someone else, we miss on the opportunity to truly connect to others by showing up as our true Selves. We can never feel at peace, because when pretending we effectively say: 'I reject myself', 'I don't like who I am and I don't think you would like it either.'
But how are we supposed to feel accepted by others, how are we meant to find a suitable partner, a truly loving, caring friend we can rely on, when we treat ourselves so bad??
Are we loving towards ourselves when putting an act on wanting to be someone else? Imagine someone said to you: 'I reject myself but I want you to love me and respect me.' Would you think he/she is deluded, confused? Would you feel sorry for him/her??
Wouldn't you feel burdened by them somehow displacing their own responsibility for self-acceptance onto YOU?
Wouldn't you find it easier to love someone who is already kind towards themselves, who oozes natural confidence and respect out of self-acceptance? Someone who actually models love and care towards themselves so that YOUR behavior towards them is just an extension of theirs?
Thank you for reading. If my article contributed to understanding yourself, please be generous and share it with others.
Copyright © 2016 Michaela Patel