Going into a relationship, all we know is that we want to find love. We want to be held to feel secure, protected, and cared for. We want to hear that everything will be OK, that we can stop searching...
We so badly want a confirmation that we have found THE ONE. We want our partner to say that he, or she, is totally in love with us because we are amazing and special, that s/he will never leave us.
These are our NEEDS.
We all have needs. The more needs we have, the more we seek them to be fulfilled. Some are healthy and some are not, reflecting in our insecurities. Our childhood wounds are the driving force for us wanting to be in a relationship and the kind of qualities we look for in our partner. Because if our needs aren't met, we are hurting...
Which is how we set ourselves up because:
1/we look for security in relationships with insecure people.
2/ we have unhealthy expectations of others. Which are hard to fulfill as our threshold for what will trigger our displeasure is set pretty low. Even if, hypothetically, our partner was emotionally healthy, s/he, will cross the limits of what we deem acceptable and REACT to a perfectly healthy behaviour in UNHEALTHY ways.
And we are surprised there is so much drama, button pushing, in a relationship where BOTH partners are emotionally unhealthy, wounded, insecure...
All we are responsible for is speaking with honesty and integrity. We are not responsible for how our partner responds, all we need to worry about is that WE tell the truth about how we feel and what we really want. Easy! It would be, IF both partners were honest. If both partners KNEW what they feel, and why. Because ONLY THEN they would know why they are hurting and what they truly desire. They would be able to talk about their needs with clarity and confidence.
How can you know who you are and what you desire if you aren't even aware that you are wounded?
On a physical level, how can you truly know your body if you DON'T NOTICE your leg or arm is cut? How can we expect to attract another healthy, well looked after body, when we are walking around bleeding? How can we notice the wounds of another when we don't notice our own?!
How can we know that our partner is fit for a loving relationship when are unable to notice how unfit WE are?
Untill we heal, we can only attract similarly ill and blind people, who are incapable or unwilling to attend to their pain...
Emotionally healthy people will steer clear away from us. They have healed, and for them it is easy to see our insecurities in the way we act, what problems we are dealing with, and how and what is our overall attitude to life. They see us so clearly because they learnt and cannot be fooled. They know who they are, they have dealt with their insecurities and healed their relationships with their families. They have dealt with the biggest obstacle on their journey to happiness: with themselves.
Amongst many, they had to deal with these basic ILLUSIONS, FALSE CONCEPTS AND BELIEFS:
1/ illusions about happiness and what is needed for them to feel happy
2/ illusion about true love, how it feels and how to find it
3/ illusions about themselves, who they really are.
4/ illusions about their partners, family and friends
Once we can see how many false ideas are creating our reality, and discern how those beliefs subconsciously driving our behaviour, we will be able to see more clearly where we are hurting and why. In time, clarity brings forgiveness to others and ourselves. Because ALL relationships serve us. Even the 'bad' relationships were meant to teach us a great deal about ourselves and help us to see where we need to grow. If we find ourselves repeatedly in similar relationships, with similar kind of people, it is because we simply haven't yet learned our lesson, hence we AREN'T READY to attract a different, healthier partner with whom we woud be otherwise incompatible! And for some of us this is a life long journey to INNER HEALING...
Thank you for reading. If my article contributed to understanding yourself, please be generous and share it with others.
Copyright © 2016 Michaela Patel