When we are hurting, the quickest way to soothe our pain and fill the void we feel in our heart, is to find another partner. This works quickly and pretty reliably like a painkiller...
We aren't aware that our pain is pointing us to our EMOTIONAL WOUND and wants us to focus our attention on healing it. Because if we can deal with the very reason WHY we are hurting, our wound will conceal and never hurt again. But what do we do? We numb it!
We don't want to know why we feel so lonely, why we feel confused about ourselves and life, why we feel so misunderstood and incomplete. We don’t really know why we feel so lost, unworthy and unloved. Or do we?
We don't stop and give ourselves the time we deserve but quickly DISTRACT ourselves from our pain, from our feelings of loneliness and sadness, hence give no chance to our emotions to heal us. We prefer to fall asleep and dream another sweet illusion...
If we did stop and evaluate it could look like this: 'So why am I feeling so miserable, unworthy. Why do I feel so much anguish and fear, unable to imagine my life without another partner?’
'I made my life dependant on someone else like my SURVIVAL is at stake! But is it? What makes me believe that a failed relationship is a matter of life or death? My Ego! My INSECURITIES. They make me feel like a failure, like there must be something WRONG WITH ME just because I am not good enough for someone else...'
On the outside we blame others for the failure of our relationship, angry at them, but deep down we believe that the reason why our relationship had failed was because we are a failure. ‘What is wrong with me that I cannot find love? What is wrong with me to attract the wrong type of people who only treat me bad? What is wrong with me trusting others when I shouldn't?’
We believe that there is something wrong with us...
...yet it went like this: Because we believed we are not good enough, we entered a relationship already wounded (insecure), hence attracted similarly wounded people. We attracted people who also didn't think they can be with anyone better than someone who is not enough.
People with low self-esteem come from certain backgrounds. They have certain behaviour traits, particular likes and dislikes, needs and wants. Having a certain attitude to life attracts those who have it too. Although on the surface their characters may be their opposite extremes (like someone shy dating a loud partner), they are attracted to each other because they share the exact same insecurities deep down.
Very often (on a subconscious level, hence unknowingly), we attract people with similar traits to those of our opposite sex parent. We attract precisely those types of people who SHAPED our insecurities. It works like a key in the lock: we are seeking those who wounded us most, desiring to heal. We are seeking what we 'know' to be LOVE - even though it is an ABUSE...
Our carers have shaped us mentally and emotionally. Their relationship with us has determined what we BELIEVE love is. Be it a truly deeply caring, or an emotionally/physically abusive relationship. This is why mainly our parent of opposite sex holds a very valuable information and key to what drives us to form a partnership.
Take me for example. My dad had left our family after having an affair with another woman. I was just 4 years old. He had re-married shortly after the divorce and my mum has found herself another partner. I had a new step dad who was emotionally and physically abusive. I saw my dad rarely as he wasn’t truly interested. I felt angry, really helpless, alone, and betrayed by both of my parents.
All my life I was longing to be in a partnership to feel protected, to avoid feeling alone and rejected. I went from one relationship to another always hoping ‘This is it, I have found my prince I can rely on and who will save me!’ I was skipping between the TWO types of guys who treated me similarly: my step dad (being abusive, controlling and disrespectful), and my dad (the selfish, emotionally unavailable, narcissistic type, incapable of true love and care). I was looking to feel protected, yet I felt at home being in relationship with abusers. I thought drama, emotional blackmail and put downs to prove superiority, is a part of a loving relationship.
I mean, HOW are we supposed to know what is healthy and what is not when all we know is what we experience at home? What do YOU believe about love? What have you witnessed at home? What is your relationship with your opposite sex parent like?
Continue to part 3.
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Copyright © 2016 Michaela Patel